Just the word was enough to make my heart flutter. Millions of warnings and prospects of sleepless nights wouldn't budge my steely determination to make it big in my chosen career. Textbooks in Physics, Chemistry and Math lay neglected as I pore over articles, excerpts, anything and everything related to my favored subject, dreaming of the day when I'd actually be required to regard this act of pleasure as a task of duty. Addiction, Obsession, Stupidity - call it what you may. I was in love. Until the day I stepped into college - Mysore Medical College and Research Institute, to be specific.
Now, I can't stand it.
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The chapters in the drama that was my school life drew to an uneventful close, as I had to jump to the next stage within a blink of the eye. Taking off to India the very day my Finals got over, I hardly had time to reminisce about an era gone by. Indeed, it was regarding the next that my mind was racing. With barely a month and half in my hand to combat two years' worth of portions, I was at the mercy of PC Thomas Entrance Coaching classes. My knowledge in every other sphere was a bare minimum, but this I knew - I would not while away my time for the next 40-something days like I had, the previous 24 months.
Four chances - that was all I had. The only other not-so-attractive alternative (i.e. repeat a year) forced me to toil among a pack of wild wolves let loose after a grueling round of board exams. I was learning the hard way the meanings of hard work, sacrifice and isolation.
The first exam was also the scariest - the All-India Pre-Medical Test, the number of kids attempting which looked more like an International phone number. The picture wasn't pretty. I prepared like my life depended on it, which in a way wasn't really an exaggeration; I ate, slept and lived the 30-something chapters per subject in an environment that was as discouraging as the Tundra is to Wheat farmers. Stressed out, I cried myself to sleep by 7 PM on the eve of the exam, right after I'd screamed my heads off at anybody within a mile's radius, only to come to at midnight, frantic about the tonnes of portions still left to cover. Up until the 9 AM mark I was supposed to be present in the exam hall, I kept flipping pages, trying to cram in anything compact enough to squeeze into my overwhelmed head. That night, back in PC's hostel, I wasn't sure whether to be relieved the exam wasn't as as bad as I'd feared or to be bothered by the new ray of hope that could make me overconfident enough to face a steep drop later.
My next exam preparation saw me slogging off just a bit, exhausted from the mini-marathon I ran for the previous one. Needless to say, as the dates loomed closer, I started sweating buckets again and was forced to seek sanctuary at my aunt's place to study in peace. That's where I got the news that, unlikely though it seemed otherwise, I'd managed to clear the first round of AIPMT. Jubilated, I was able to stand on firmer ground for this one. The first paper went alright but I was disappointed in myself for forgetting a couple of important formulas. So I kept my cool with the next one in sight - Biology, for which I was determined to score 100%, deaf to the wailing choir groups in the chapel next to our dorm, numb to my peers'noses poking into my business, blind to the final layers of injustice being patted on me. Five very costly mistakes reawakened my senses the next day.
Preparations for the next exam - AIPMT Finals - were the worst. First I dared to think I had a shot. The first model exam over at PC burst my bubble as fast as it was formed. IIT-level questions had me questioning my IQ, my confidence dipping an all-time low. Giving in to pressure I finally did exactly what I was determined not to - I packed my stuff, said my goodbyes and left the place once and for all. Back in my aunt's house, I hoped to get back the momentum I possessed for the prelims but with no luck.
All hope lost, the eve of this exam I didn't cry myself to sleep.
I cried in my sleep.
On May 16, 2010 - My little sister turned 12 years old. My schedule, meanwhile, ran as below:
Woke up - got dressed - drove to the exam centre - saw the place - walked to the nearby restaurant brimming with successful candidates of AIPMT Prelims along with their equally anxious parents - forced 2 stale idlis down my throat - last minute phone calls and pep talks and prayers - slow walk to the exam hall like I was on death row - quickened paces up the stairs only to avoid overhearing any last minute revisions - locating my seat right next to the door at the very front of the room and settling down - decide to let go and accept my fate; 'this just wasn't meant to be, so let's just have a little fun with this paper' - 9.50 AM: I'm handed the OMR sheet followed by the question paper (A series) shortly.
I had the greatest shock of my life! The paper was easier than I could have ever hoped for! Pinching myself several times at different intensities, I sailed through the paper (facing storms in the form of two invigilators suffering from verbal diarrhea and a bench-mate on vibrating mode) even getting an extra ten minutes to give the only three questions I couldn't get answers to a last shot.
I walked out a much happier person than when I was walking in, albeit with a pinch of regret - the easier the paper, exponentially was the growth in competition.
Oh well, at least I tried.
My regrets didn't end there. The Kerala Entrance Exam results were out the next day. And who but an uncle, who forced my roll number out of me, should let me know I hadn't made it. 1530. Pretty number, useless rank. I tried to smile amidst my tears, but wasn't superhuman enough to. I let everyone down, academically and emotionally.
Barely days later, my board exam marks too were out - better than I expected. What I also hadn't anticipated was for anyone and everyone to score 90+ percentages making my measly 84% measlier.
Just what I needed, a reason to get moody.
The next two exams - writing entirely for formality's sake as my parents had no plan of sending me to Manipal if I passed the first and I had no impossible dream about passing the second, the Amrita University exam - went in a blur and soon it was time for me, free bird, to finally fly home and even the news of an Air India Express crash in Manglore couldn't dampen my mood by a large margin.
I touched down in Abu Dhabi International Airport with a heavy heart indeed.
A visit to relatives' houses was highlighted with comments like, 'Oh, what happened?', 'Neither here, nor there, huh?' and 'So, when will you be going back for repeating the year?'
For that was the not-so-bright future looming in full view. I had already joined the batch of 2010 at Professor PC Thomas'Coaching classes , bought my books and was on the waiting list for the hostel room, despite having fallen at my parents'feet to let me join Manipal instead as that exam had gone well enough to give me solid hope.
Naturally, they had said no.
My visit, which I'd hoped would lead to rebirth, instead looked like the end of me.
Might as well have looked forward to a breath-taking funeral.
